THE ACCIDENTAL CLEAVAGE: AS INITIATED BY THE TWINS
It was a wet and foggy day in New York City. The buildings of the city looked as if they were floating in soft pillows of see-through cotton, and the sky was crying silently as if longing for the love of Summer, who left without so much as a token of her love for the moody city with insomnia. Due to repetitive and foreseen circumstances, I was forced to don my faithful black dress, the one I weighed-in in week after week at my Overeaters Are Not Anonymous Because We Are Fat sessions. Although, I love the dress, I knew better when wearing her to toil in the office because she is sexy and she knows it. To tame her, I always made sure to slip on a matching, simple black camisole underneath to cover and protect the twins from the evil red headed wench who enforces her front desk “no cleavage” rules with a glare from two beady blue eyeballs that make you feel like you’ve just been pimp slapped in front of a million Baptists for sinning. I didn’t want that to ever happen again so the twins and I made a pact to keep Miss Sexy Black dress under control at work.
Everyday, the twins and I use our lunch hour to go on a wonderful adventure of pain and labor to the gym. We really just look forward to the mid-day steam room after the intense calisthenics we willingly use to beat the crap out of our fat cells and blissfully become heart healthy while trying to breathe. On this wet, dreary, and not abnormal day, The treadmill tried his best to kill us. He attacked us from every angle causing stabbing pains in our lungs and abdomen and excruciating soreness in our right arm, left thigh, and behind parts. The twins were getting restless as we bounded up and down on the treadmill. They lept right and then vaulted left. Once they punched me hard in the chin as if to say, “Buy a better exercise bra you idiot! We’re getting nauseated here!” Sweat poured down my face and in between the twins. They both panted and peered longingly toward the ground hoping for rest. I noticed the direction in which they were looking and cried out, “No! We will defy our age! You will BE PERKY!” I ran harder and faster. My lungs throbbed with every step. I thought I was going to die. I committed myself to the fact that if I died on this treadmill, they would find my sweaty corpse with the perkiest twins sans the surgery they had ever seen. I pumped my arms harder. When my heart attacked me, I stopped. When you refuse to listen to your body, it will yell at you. “Stop now crazy woman or I’ll kill you!” my heart screamed at me. The twins looked at each other and collapsed into my sports bra. “Whew! What a workout.” The left one told the right one and she nodded in agreement. I noticed her movement and stopped her before anyone else noticed it and thought I was some kind of freak with twins that move on their own. With my right arm covering my right twin, I hurried to the shower. The water, though turned to cool, was unnaturally hot. I rushed the shower and decided to skip the steam room.
I sweated as I dressed. The locker room was as hot and steamy as any natural spring old folks visit to rejuvenate their tired bones. I looked forward to getting out door into the grey and dismal cloud that was eating Manhattan. I dressed and wrapped my scarf around my neck letting it dangle in front of me as extra protection for the twins. They fought back. The left one popped out of her side of the bra and stared at me defiantly. The right one laughed and throbbed as beads of sweat raced between them. As a result in the rise in my body temperature, I decided to skip the scarf I had worn earlier and let the camisole do her job to cover the twins.
Back in the office and finally cooling down I felt victorious. The twins and I had once again dodged death by treadmill thanks to the warning from our dear and respected friend, heart. We would live to be perky another day. I decided to let them enjoy the air for a while and would once again cloak them underneath the scarf to help the camisole do her thing after a few more minutes of triumphant air cascaded into their realm. Needless to say, I grew comfortable and forgot.
Sandy blonde haired lawyer guy walked past my desk with a huge smile on his face. Knowing him to be inconsistently pleasant I looked up and gave a fake Receptionist/former Flight Attendant smile. “Hi.” I said. He slowed his step. “How are you today?” he asked with a big bright smile on his face. I had never seen him so happy. The man was virtually glowing! I said, “A good day, hunh?” He replied looking directly at the twins, “Oh yes! A very good day indeed.” As he slowly passed on by I wondered what had made him so happy. I followed the direction on my body he had spoken to, looked down and saw the girls bulging out of the top of my dress and camisole. How did they do that? I couldn’t figure it out but there they were, bright and bubbly as ever waving at anyone who would give them the time of day. “Hey girrrl!” one of them said to me. The other one just bounced a happy hello. “You said be perky! Payback is a bitch, ain’t it?” They laughed. I was mortified.
Everyday, the twins and I use our lunch hour to go on a wonderful adventure of pain and labor to the gym. We really just look forward to the mid-day steam room after the intense calisthenics we willingly use to beat the crap out of our fat cells and blissfully become heart healthy while trying to breathe. On this wet, dreary, and not abnormal day, The treadmill tried his best to kill us. He attacked us from every angle causing stabbing pains in our lungs and abdomen and excruciating soreness in our right arm, left thigh, and behind parts. The twins were getting restless as we bounded up and down on the treadmill. They lept right and then vaulted left. Once they punched me hard in the chin as if to say, “Buy a better exercise bra you idiot! We’re getting nauseated here!” Sweat poured down my face and in between the twins. They both panted and peered longingly toward the ground hoping for rest. I noticed the direction in which they were looking and cried out, “No! We will defy our age! You will BE PERKY!” I ran harder and faster. My lungs throbbed with every step. I thought I was going to die. I committed myself to the fact that if I died on this treadmill, they would find my sweaty corpse with the perkiest twins sans the surgery they had ever seen. I pumped my arms harder. When my heart attacked me, I stopped. When you refuse to listen to your body, it will yell at you. “Stop now crazy woman or I’ll kill you!” my heart screamed at me. The twins looked at each other and collapsed into my sports bra. “Whew! What a workout.” The left one told the right one and she nodded in agreement. I noticed her movement and stopped her before anyone else noticed it and thought I was some kind of freak with twins that move on their own. With my right arm covering my right twin, I hurried to the shower. The water, though turned to cool, was unnaturally hot. I rushed the shower and decided to skip the steam room.
I sweated as I dressed. The locker room was as hot and steamy as any natural spring old folks visit to rejuvenate their tired bones. I looked forward to getting out door into the grey and dismal cloud that was eating Manhattan. I dressed and wrapped my scarf around my neck letting it dangle in front of me as extra protection for the twins. They fought back. The left one popped out of her side of the bra and stared at me defiantly. The right one laughed and throbbed as beads of sweat raced between them. As a result in the rise in my body temperature, I decided to skip the scarf I had worn earlier and let the camisole do her job to cover the twins.
Back in the office and finally cooling down I felt victorious. The twins and I had once again dodged death by treadmill thanks to the warning from our dear and respected friend, heart. We would live to be perky another day. I decided to let them enjoy the air for a while and would once again cloak them underneath the scarf to help the camisole do her thing after a few more minutes of triumphant air cascaded into their realm. Needless to say, I grew comfortable and forgot.
Sandy blonde haired lawyer guy walked past my desk with a huge smile on his face. Knowing him to be inconsistently pleasant I looked up and gave a fake Receptionist/former Flight Attendant smile. “Hi.” I said. He slowed his step. “How are you today?” he asked with a big bright smile on his face. I had never seen him so happy. The man was virtually glowing! I said, “A good day, hunh?” He replied looking directly at the twins, “Oh yes! A very good day indeed.” As he slowly passed on by I wondered what had made him so happy. I followed the direction on my body he had spoken to, looked down and saw the girls bulging out of the top of my dress and camisole. How did they do that? I couldn’t figure it out but there they were, bright and bubbly as ever waving at anyone who would give them the time of day. “Hey girrrl!” one of them said to me. The other one just bounced a happy hello. “You said be perky! Payback is a bitch, ain’t it?” They laughed. I was mortified.
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